If you’re looking around for a new car (or rather, a new-to-you-but-actually-12-years-old car), you’ve probably already Googled “what to look for when buying a car” and you’ve found lists that tell you to “Inspect the body, transmission, and engine” and “Make sure it hasn’t been driven into a lake” but come ON, you already know that stuff. Here are a few WORTHWHILE things to look for when you’re used car shopping:
1. The best used cars come with cup holders. Not just a couple holders between the two front seats. We’re talking at least one cup holder per passenger, but ideally around two. And if you think that cup holders aren’t worth your time — think about it, are there really any foods or drinks worth consuming that can’t fit into a cup holder? No. There are not. Oh, you don’t like eating when you’re driving? First of all, who are you? And second, cup holders have so many fun uses besides food. Mobile flower pots. Mobile pencil cups. Mobile mini trash cans. Et cetera.
2. The number of seats the car has is directly and oppositely proportional to the number of people who will want to ride with you. It’s completely proven to be true.* A dinky little car attracts friends like a light attracts moths. Conversely, a wonderfully spacious van will repel everyone within a 20 mile radius. “Oh, you have a small pickup truck? Well there are 10 of us so I guess we can pile in the back…” Figure out how many people you actually want to be driving around before buying a car, and then buy the opposite.
[*Disclaimer: it’s probably not true at all]
3. There are enough working parts in the best used cars that they drive safely but also have enough semi-broken parts that you can complain about them daily. The best used cars always have some sort of weird and distinctive sound effects that let the world know to get out of your way. Bonus points if one of your windows is permanently stuck open, because fresh air is oh so good.
4. It’s already dirty enough that your mother/wife/girlfriend/any woman at all will never know which coffee stains are actually from you and which aren’t. Play your cards right and you can use the “I didn’t do it! It was already there!” excuse for YEARS.
Of course, if you end up going to legitimate and non-sketchy used car dealer ships then you may not be able to find a car with any of these high-end features. Some dealer ships even offer options for servicing your car and customer rewards programs with their best used cars, and they also like to make payment plans actually feasible for their customers (I know, so weird and unexciting to know the actual date that your monthly bill is coming in the mail). But hey, a rickety conglomeration of auto parts isn’t for everyone. Good refereneces.